I’m back in Portland after being in Tacoma for a few days for my oldest daughter’s graduation, and this whole process has been such a painful and eye-opening endeavor, I felt like I needed to write about it, but I don’t even know where to begin. When I left Portland six weeks ago, I knew that it was the closing of a chapter that I’ve been living for 21 years, a chapter of love, parenthood, trying, and heartbreak, but I didn’t know that it would continue to sneak up on me in the various ways that it has.
I was leaving my daughter’s house yesterday after the graduation ceremony, and my ex-wife and all three of my kids were still in the backyard hanging out, and I just felt like it was time for me to leave. It was such a visceral example that I chose to live a different life, but I’ve chosen to Move on and pursue something different after being “here” for so very long.
This new adventure, the world where I travel and find someplace new or different, has been on my radar for probably a decade, and to see it finally coming to fruition is both exciting and painful. I sat here this afternoon scrolling through Instagram stories with tears rolling down my face, realizing that I’m just in a very emotional and vulnerable place as their life takes another turn. Someone asked me today “what I wanted out of this life” and I didn’t have an answer. I don’t know what I want next from this life, how I want it to look, what I want it to be like, and where I go from here.
I’ve been the steward of Samantha, our old Labrador, for the last few years. I left her last weekend at my ex-wife‘s house so that the roommate could watch her while we were up in Tacoma for graduation, and did not have her in my day-to-day life, we had another very strange and uncomfortable interaction where my life is just different than it has been. I’m back in Portland today. I’m going to meet up with my daughter soon to give her some things out of my car and give her a big hug and a hug from my twins before they have a cocktail party tonight at their mom‘s house. I wasn’t comfortable being there today, didn’t know what to expect, and didn’t want to put myself in an awkward situation, so I’m having dinner with a friend tonight instead.
What’s next? What do I do from here? What is it that fuels me?
I don’t know, but I do know that waiting around for some sort of random answer doesn’t get me anywhere anymore.